Everyday emotional judo
Practical, ethical tips for shifting others feelings at work
Due to my perpetually interesting life, I have been obsessing recently about finding better ways to navigate people’s feelings at work. I am tired of clever theory, so I have worked up a more practical application of the SCARF model. I hope you find it useful.
The SCARF model describes five domains of human social experience: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness. Developed by neuroscientist David Rock and broadly popularized, it helps us understand the underlying emotional drivers in workplace dynamics.
To extend this into something you could potentially apply tomorrow, I have added some concrete tips — techniques that I use frequently. You’ll see behaviors you might notice that suggest what your colleague is feeling, a description of a typical response you might be tempted to use, and a suggestion for a response that might produce better results because it directly addresses your colleague’s underlying needs while moving the conversation forward.
Don’t let working with feelings scare you. Notice that the better response directly addresses the underlying emotion without coming across as disrespectful, emotional, or manipulative. You probably could say these phrases in a meeting without anyone noticing — and you would have more leverage over the outcomes.
Being able to recognize and respond to these subtle cues can transform a tense situation into a productive moment. Refer to this the next time you feel a power struggle building, and watch how small shifts in your approach can lead to big changes in collaboration and trust.
Keep exploring the messy human world! As always, I welcome your thoughts and suggestions!