Hey all, we need to stop talking about psychological safety as if it's a definable phenomenon. Researchers have provided criteria to help us point in the general direction of this felt sense, but each team will have a different safety recipe. A team of well-trained creatives who are used to direct feedback will operate differently than a multicultural, multi-gender software team under stress. The dynamics of safety—or the lack thereof—will vary greatly.
Years ago, when I was a baby coach, I worked with a team that didn't trust me initially. Their charismatic leader had set strict rules and wasn’t open to feedback. They were all big brains in data analytics. And I was yet another agile coach, there to tell them what to do. Or so they thought.
To keep myself calm and kind, I imagined them as frightened animals and focused on how to approach them. I don’t mean the term “animals” to be disrespectful. They were highly intelligent and capable people. But fear and discomfort were palpable, and thinking of them in that way turned down any judgment and turned up my empathy.
I spent weeks letting them get used to me, observing their work, and offering help only when it felt low-stakes. Eventually, we earned each other’s trust and learned a lot together. I knew I was in when they gave me a hard time.
Some other ideas
More tips for leading people who are fearful (which is pretty much all of us):
Up your empathy to 11. I mean empathy, not sympathy. Try to sense what it’s like to be in their skin and respond accordingly. Then do some self-care, because empathy can wear you out.
Become aware of your own triggers and protect them. Especially avoid acting out when you’re triggered. Once you scare someone, they will always be on the lookout for the thing to happen again. Your behavior is now coded in their nervous system as “threat to watch out for.”
Avoid using fear as a motivator: While it can motivate people for a while, it leads to exhausted individuals who can’t think clearly. Using fear to motivate is a short-term solution. While some people may not care and just follow orders, others will become more vigilant and watch their behavior closely, and a significant portion will shut down, severely impairing their ability to perform.
Don’t baby people who are afraid: Instead, step back and calm down. Say things like, "I didn’t intend to cause discomfort. What would be most useful to you right now?"
Respect legal and ethical boundaries: If fear is based on discrimination, bullying, or inappropriate behavior, it falls into a different category and must be addressed accordingly.
If you think someone has just had a fear trigger, trust your gut. My natural inclination is to lean in and poke because I’m fascinated by what’s happening for other people. However, I’ve learned the hard way that this is the wrong response. People in a fear state need to regain a sense of control as soon as possible to minimize long-term damage to relationships, focus, and willingness to engage.
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